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(2005) * Unrated
107 min. Regent Releasing. Directors: Willhelm Liebenberg, Federico Sanchez, Wilhelm Liebenberg. Cast: Conrad Pla, Caroline Neron, Victoria Sanchez, Liane Balaban, Sarah Manninen.

Prurient and bloodsoaked, Eternal is laughable from its "Inspired by True Events" start to its overblown finish, a tasteless recreation of Stanley Kubrick's masked orgy in Eyes Wide Shut. A terrible script, pedestrian direction, and acting that's mediocre at best signify that Eternal should have known its role as ready-made, moderately sexy fodder for late-night Skin-emax.

In present-day Montreal, a woman using the name "Wildcat" arranges a lesbian hook-up over the internet. Her lover for the evening, Elizabeth Kane (Caroline Neron), claims to be a 16th-Century Slovakian vampire named Countess Erszebet Bathory, which seems to me to be a bad admission for a first date. Alas, there will be no second date for Erszebet and "Wildcat," who gets an unanticipated and non-cosmetic neck-piercing.

Nobody messes with "Wildcat," as it turns out, since her husband is a vice cop named Pope (Conrad Pla). Even though Pope's been having his own kinky S&M affair, he's determined to solve the mystery of his wife's disappearance. Luckily for Kane and her assistant Irina (Victoria Sanchez), Pope's not a very good cop, and he somehow manages to come under suspicion for the very crimes he's investigating.

Eternal has a few elements that speak in favor of a cult-camp afterlife. The sets and locations (including, briefly, Venice) are gorgeous, and the dialogue can be hall-of-fame overripe. "I want you to make sure we have blood," explains Kane to Irina. "Young, beautiful, innocent blood." Irina whines in return, "But why won't you let me kill girls?" Then there's the classic declaration, delivered in a bizarre Italian accent, "You have no idea the evil you're dealing with!" Actually, I have a pretty good idea.

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